It’s been a day since the death of Jonghyun, by suicide.
I have not been a huge fan of him nor his idol group but the circumstances of his suicide have really shaken me to my core.
I think, the thing that had shocked me was thinking how easily that could have been me.
Past this semester I have had a very hard time both in school and at home, and all my thoughts and opinions towards suicide and depression, till to that point- a rather detached, passing remarks of I won’t be that girl– had been thrown out of the window.
It has gotten better, definitely, and I have been able to slowly talk to my friends about how the worthlessness I have carried around me for my whole life was actually eating me out from the inside, but he didn’t.
If I didn’t have my sister, didn’t have a friend to turn to, an outlet for me to vent and reflect upon, have the privacy to grief and throw a pity-party for myself- it could have been me. Because. Because I did think that all it took was just one leap, off the ledge behind the washing machine. And when I didn’t, I berated myself for being just too chicken to do it, that I couldn’t even get this one thing right.
Jonghyun, you will be missed; your talent and your music and the overwhelming love you carried inside of you, the love that was just too much that when it burst out of you, and when you had no more to give you retreated to your corner of the world and didn’t come back- but you will be missed.
Rest in peace, Jonghyun. May you be at peace with yourself, the world- may you feel overwhelming love forever and ever.